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when things are right. when things are okay. everything is beautiful
things just aren't beautiful with sam at the moment.
everything seems, i dunno, forced.
she said we never spoke anymore. and she has hardly spoke since that.
gone are the random pleasantries that used to fill up our conversations.
gone are the random spouting of song lyrics.
gone is everything that made speaking with her a pleasure. something that i could look forward to.
everything just seems ... forced. i'm signed onto msn constantly whilst she is online, in the vain hope that she'll say something. she doesn't. much like chip did when they were 'nearly dating', i've started to only sign on to msn just so i could speak to her.
tonight we spoke to each other more in three fucking myspace comments than we did on msn whilst i was online.
i told her about how i found a pic of her on the bluekipper website. i dunno whether she's just stupid, if she thought i was trying to take the piss or what. but basically, all she said was 'and'.
harsh. immediately afterwards, i just signed out.
i used to be able to tell her everything. now i cant even tell her about my day.
she used to tell me about how she thought of me that day. she used to tell me about how she was speaking to someone about me.
she used to tell me everything. and i used to try and tell her some things, too.
i don't know why i'm surprised. this is the way every thing ends up like with me. everything forced. nothing fluent. nothing liquid. nothing that just flows and rolls off the tip of your tongue like that accumulated gathering of saliva that you often find in your mouth.
i know it's not me thats changed.
i know it's her that has changed.
i know it was just over two weeks ago too.
when tuan made her upset.
fucking hate that guy.
need to sort this out. i just wouln't be able to take losing my best friend. :|
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well ... i don't really feel used, anymore
we spoke last night
we spoke today
i dont know whether to feel special... whether to feel good... i dunno. she told me that she slept with tuan and that she had no regrets. i know that it was something that i expected when she issued the words 'i dunno whether to tell you, its kinda a big thing to me'... but actually seeing the words... printed there on the screen... it was something that brought up a vast array of emotions
anger
hurt
jealousy
sympathy
but who am i to stand in her way?
she said that she isn't sure what's happenin with tuan. it all just happened, nothing would have stopped it. i dunno - sounds like rape =\ but it isnt...
she told me about how she thinks shes developin a mild form of agoraphobia - a condition that her mum has.
apparently, other than tuan, she hasn't told anyone about her mum. i dunno whether to believe her, or not. but i presume its kinda a big deal that she trusts me enough to tell me all this stuff.
im probably one of the first she's told about tuan. im probably one of the very few shes told about her mum.
is this really what i need?
when i want to get inside her panties?
im not sure...
x
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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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still don't know if i've done anything wrong
she's about to change her myspace friends list, i think.
i was made up when she put me second in her top 12. if i go lower than that i really will be upset.
we've hardly spoken for a week and a half now. not a word for two days. barely more than four sentences - if that! - since friday.
if this goes on for much longer ... i dunno. i guess i'll have to try and sort something out.
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Yeah, I'm kinda worried.
She went to London last Friday to 'sort things out with Tuan'.
I think she's got back with him, now. =[
To be honest, while I always hoped that she wouldn't. There was always a part of me that thought she would.
You only need to look at some of the myspace comments that some of her mates have left her. "I hear you want to get back with Tuan", "are you back with Tuan now?". Just shit like that.
She told me that she wouldn't get back with him on Friday. I know for a fact that Mike will be gutted. He said something last night that makes me think that she has got back with Tuan.
Mike says:
told you I was right about sam
carlin says:
why, what's happened?
Mike says:
shite
He was worried about it too.
What really fucking bugs me though, is that I always thought I would have a chance with her while Tuan was out of the picture.
I always knew that I would have that chance with her.
I always knew that I would have her for myself and she would see sense. That's not me chatting bollocks. It's just the plain and simple truth.
But with Tuan there ... everything seems different.
He must have something about him to have held her heart for two years. They've broke up twice. They seem destined for each other, some how. She said that she always thought she would marry him. She has said a lot of things that made me think she has wanted him all the time I've known her.
I don't like the fucker Tuan, as it is. I've spent too much time listening to Samantha being upset because of shit that he's said. Shit that he's done. I hate the prick. But that's beside the point.
This whole thing...
It's not fair on Ian. That was the reason they split up, because she felt guilty about always going on about Tuan. It's not fair on Mike, who has wanted her for two years and the first chance he gets, she goes and fucking rips it away from her.
I'm not going to even consider saying it's not fair on me. Because I haven't even a clue what the fucking situation between us.
She hasn't fucking said much more than 'hello' since Friday.
One fucking text. One fucking message asking if I missed her, last night.
I don't know if I've done something wrong. I don't know if Brophy has said something to her because he seemed to have the wrong idea two weeks ago.
I just wish everything was okay. If it goes on for another couple of days, I'll have to have a word. Otherwise, I will just think that she's using me.
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all i'm going to say, at the moment is...
it was third time lucky.
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Well, first time I saw Sam was at Newcastle. Great day, even if I remember fuck all of it apart from seeing, and speaking, to her for the first time. She claims that it's exactly the same with her. I'm not really sure.
The first time I said hello to her was at Charlton. To be honest, I don't remember even saying hello to her. But she reckons I did.
The second time I met her was on Saturday, at Middlesbrough. When I say I met her, I don't really mean it. As you can imagine. What really happened was Mike shouted me over. I stood there awkwardly - possibly looking at my feet - whilst Mike and Sam discussed whether I truly am massive. Mike and Davey Kirk think that I am. Sammie doesn't. Only because I don't compare to Ian.
I spoke to her afterwards. We both kind of regretted me not speaking. But, in my defence, I had warned her that I wouldn't say anything at all. :)
Apparently, she might be coming to the 8 aside football that I play each Wednesday this week. If she does I really don't know what I'll do. Ian will be there, Paul will be there. Two people that she's actually spoken to and people that will no doubt command her attention far more than I could ever do.
Hopefully, I can say hello to her this one time. Hopefully, I can see her string out a sentence. All I want to do is hear her voice.
It seems sad to me. But I love pretty much everything about her. Her errors in punctuation and poor use of the word 'too' which would normally irritate the fuck out of me are just all part of her.
The only part that does irritate me is she shrugs off any single form of emotion towards her that isn't in the slightest platonic as sarcasm. I tell her how much I like her she just laughs it off. I tell her that one day her feelings for me will just hit her suddenly like a train. She just says 'lmao.' or 'rofl'. It is true. I know it. Just like how I knew that I would have her on MSN by the end of the day at Newcastle. Just like how I knew that Davey Kirk and Mike would become friends of mine.
I'm just like that.
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| Time: | 5:12 pm. |
| Music: | little man tate - what? what you got?. |
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it's the day after the night before.
i spoke to sam earlier. nothing meaningful. nothing whatsoever. we just had a chat about nothing in particular. mainly consisting of spouting song lyrics to each other. saying why we like them and just talking about songs in general.
she spoke of her 'auntie' and how her marriage was jinxed. seeing sam talk like that made me upset and angry. how can someone i barely know. someone with whom my only meaningful contact, at least for the time being, is based solely online. if i suddenly decided to uninstall msn and stop posting on bluekipper i can't help but feel that this relationship we have would be inexistant. it's the kind of thing where - as much as she claims she likes me and enjoys speaking to me and that i'm her 'best guy ;x' - it's the kind of thing that i just know will not be pursued by her and, as much as i'd want to, not by myself either. i'm too shy and, let's face it,
she's just spoke again... she's just said 'byebye's xx'. call me traditional, but i never thought people said bye without saying hello, first. weird, but any thing just to see that she's thinking of me. it's weird... it's weird how seeing that little green box pop up with her current name can make me feel ... tingly. and when it's just to say goodbye, well i can't help but feel as deflated as the carcas of that football that i once had that was kicked up a tree and burst.
fuck the world. one girl shouldn't be able to determine my moods like that. i won't let it. i don't think i will, anyway. :(
chelsea tomorrow. long time on coach with robby? oh joy...
might see davey kirk though! ;)
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to be honest, i'm not quite sure why i'm actually creating this...
it's weird. i've had one before and i lost track of it. couldn't be arsed updating, couldn't be arsed commenting on other people, couldn't be arsed making an effort really. so why will this be any different? the real answer is... it won't be. i got the idea though after seeing that hopkins has one. dunno... maybe i'm just following him. really... i just need a place to write things down and let it all out.
i guess the thing is, i'm feeling kind of shit at the moment. todays been pretty bad really. well, i suppose, it's yesterday now... it has been kind of blank, kind of uneventful.
i guess the whole thing really revolves around this one girl, samantha. she's great. really. everyone loves her. she's everything you'd ever want. she's attractive, she's funny, she's caring, her music taste is okay half the time too - when she isn't listening to rnb, that is. just as importantly, though, this is where it all started after all. she's a blue.
it all started at newcastle a couple of months back. it was a dull, drab saturday night. 5.15 kick off and in a boring, uneventful match the only bright spark to the match was mike and fruin's constant mutterings about the girl sat about ten rows in front of us. quite how she even sparked their attention i don't know; i guess something just draws people to her. of course, whilst they were muttering on about how lovely she was and how shiny her hair was, i made an off the cuff comment saying that i would have her on msn by the end of the night.
i can't remember how it happened. i think i was just checking around on blue kipper when i saw 'toffee babe' make a comment that instantly made me think that it was her. of course, as you can imagine with a name like 'toffee babe' people were instantly drawn to her and she had grown a bit of a reputation online.
now, whether it was really sam that i had seen at newcastle or not i don't really know... but i was - according to me, now - true to my word. i had got her to add me on msn by midnight. to be honest, that's where i expected it to end. why would a beautiful girl like sam talk to me? i guess that's the really alluring thing about her. she is very open minded. so when she said hello i was kind of taken back. i don't know how it happened, but somehow... something ... clicked. i was up until six in the morning just chatting to her about random things. neither of us wanted to leave, well... thats the impression that i get... i kept closing the comment box after a lull of a few minutes... she kept coming back for more. in the end, we both agreed that we probably needed to get a little sleep after all.
the next day i expected the whole facade to be over. she said hello again. everytime i was there... she said hello. i guess by the end of that faithful first night that i should have known that things could never be anything much more than us being really good friends. she'd told me about her current fella ian (hopkins ^), she'd told me about her ex tuan and about their ups and downs, she'd told me about the guy that she'd really liked who had similar feelings for her but it had never gone much further than that - mike (to avoid confusion he'll be known as michael or chip). i think what really should have set it off, though... was when she asked me if i was gay.
skip forward a few weeks, maybe a month and a bit to charlton. i'd been playing games with her. she said she wanted to meet me... i said i was too shy. she said it might be the last time i'd ever get to see her. i said i'd try. in the end, i pondered over it for five hours on the coach journey there. i arrived at the ground nice and early after having a couple of drinks at the pub - the angillican. we arrived too early, if we're being honest. we walked around for a bit. we put a couple of bets on. in the end, after sam had told me she would be getting to the ground earlyish i took the plunge. i went and found robby and i persuaded him to 'take a walk'. all we did was just walk round the back of the stand and then down to the front. i walked past the seat where i knew she would be sitting later - just two places away from my seat the previous season. to be honest, i'd hoped that she would be there already.
she wasn't there. that was it, i thought. i'd tried. off me and robby go and then i spot her. i give a little smile and a wink. i can't even remember if she let on to me or if she thought i was just some randomer. i tried not to look at her too hard. apparently, she hadn't made an effort but she looked beautiful. i guess its a gift that she has.
at half time i thought i'd give it another go. maybe i could have a proper conversation with her. just hearing her voice would have appeased me, to put it honestly. i walked round the back to the toilets, i could see her and her father a mile away. mainly because the sun was shining so brightly off of her hair that it would have been hard to miss her.
i walk out the toilets and i immediately spot her. she's on the phone. she looks and turns and ... almost... scurries away. i thought at the time she was hiding. she said she was, later. all i did was just sit on the fence to the side of her. i saw chip on the phone too. looking around aimlessly. clearly looking for sam. i thought it looked pretty obvious that it was pretty serious. so i played an act and just slinked off.
i took my seat dejectedly and spent the coach ride home quite subdued. i spoke to sam, she reckoned that she had spotted me as soon as she entered the stadium. quite how, i dont know. there was a crowded walkway between her, me, and the entrance. i'm pretty tall but i don't think i'm that noticeable. to be honest, i couldn't speak to her. i'd planned to lie to her and say that i hadn't seen her at all. what was i meant to say? i just spoke normally and gave a couple of observations of her. nothing special.
i went off to andy fruin's party. i only spent about half an hour there and i come back to find that chip had added me on msn. he's a really sound lad. but there was clearly another motive for him adding me - sam had told him to add me after raving about. she wanted me to find out what he was feeling. as i was saying, chip is a really sound fella. he's nineteen and, in the future, we'll be really good mates - it's something i just know.
but this is about sam. chip and sam had had a heart-to-heart chat at half time. they want to be together. i don't blame either of them. they're both really good looking. it looks like they'll get together now. i'm jealous. i've seen it all unfold. it's not like how it was when she was with hopkins. i didn't know anything about him then, i still don't. and i caught it in the middle of the relationship. this... well this is just a jerk to me. i ask myself is there anything i could have done to make sam put mike off and fall for me... realistically? there isn't a chance. i know i'm not really good looking - no matter what sam says i'll never be attractive to anyone - and i'm pretty okay with that.
i guess what set this off is fruin asking me if 'i'm going to slot her'. there isn't a chance of me getting anywhere near her. yet... i really want there to be. as you can imagine.
i should be grateful that in sam i've got a friend. a friend who can make me smile. a friend who can make me laugh. a friend who can turn my world upside down just by saying hello. a friend that has brought me closer and facilitated my introduction to two guys that i have admired from afar for a good seven and a half months (since an away trip at fulham) - mike (chip) and davey kirk (reaney) who will no doubt become good friends of mine. sam is a friend who has, on more than one occasion, made me feel so much better when things are feeling pretty shit. a friend who shares similar interests and is, seemingly, the perfect person for me.
unfortunately, sam is a friend who has the capacity to capture my heart and twist it around with the flick of her hair.
i guess things will be awkward for a while and conversations will be stiff. but what else can i do? it's the same as every one of my relationships. it's a great first couple of months. and then things turn stale. i want things to be different with sam... i want to be more than good friends and be lovers. but, at the moment, how can i hurt chip; when i know how much he likes her? but every moment he's with her and i'm away is hurting me like an icepick brushed against the throat. i can't bare to hear her talk longingly over how much she misses and likes mike much longer and i know i'm going to crack soon. i guess my feelings are obvious to probably everyone but her; no matter how much she tries to hide it.
i just don't know what to do.
i probably never will.
it's something i'll probably always regret and even when i've finally got a girl of my own... deep down... there'll always be sam.
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